At present

The shadows are so famous in this room. They outshine the light.
Shapes appear out of thin air and cause my heart to race. We heard footsteps down the hall but I'm almost certain it was just the shadows. You asked my why I couldn't open the curtains and let a little light in to ease my mind and slow my pulse. I said I would when I was ready to see the truth for what it was. I'm not ready to see what's real and what's not.
The shadows make me wonder in soft romantic ways, all the fucking horror that could be coming for me. All the blood inside my body. All the twisted long faces with sunken eyes. All that is my little life.

All that seems so small these days is bigger when something threatens to take it away. And the shadows do just that. They keep me up with motionless breath and fear that wells around my eyes almost causing tears even though I'm too old to cry. I wish so desperately that I didn't need the looming doom of death around to make me want to stay.

But the shadows urge that desire forward to the point where light is night and night is day. And all that remains is this crazy deep anxiety that pushes me to daydream.

firecrackers leave their mark

This room is dark and unkempt. I am alone with several blankets, beer and popcorn thinking about the last year and I suppose all years that have acumulated. I found a Towns VanZandt cover by Gillian Welch and the White Freightliner Blues are carrying me form 2009 to 2010 with a sad genuine smile.

I also found a song called "Marie" written by Irving Berlin - covered by several. This particular version happens to be preformed by Leon Redbone. And aside from being a ballad titled with the same name I have, it also makes me feel incredibly close to my origin.

I also had Jack download ET for me. 2010 seems to be off on the right foot. Half Nostalgia, Hope for the future. Hopefully I'll need not go too far to be satisfied.

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Every year, no matter where you are, the clock chimes 12 and firecrakers explode across the city. It is not a lonley feeling to hear those friecrackers pop against an empty night. Pop against a black backdrop of endings and begginings.
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'Marie' By Irving Berlin

Marie the dawn is breaking
We'll soon be waking to find
Your heart is breaking
And tears will fall as you recall
the moon in all its splendor
A kiss so very tender
the world, will you surrender to me

clip

We build a fortress where light cotton lines the windows diffusing and recreating light until it is only a faint glow.

I lay down at an angle that neglects to show me the guitar he is playing, and instead I watch his face remain unchanged. Bounds of timed precision and melody unfold on permanent recall from years of repetition but his face remains unchanged.
It is nothing and everything and I am facinated with his effortlessness.

Operating a follow spot on a Sunday night
Feels like two on one. For some, a need - for some, a want
My mouth is shut. I'm not invloved but I love all who are.
Impressed. Unimpressed - who cares anymore?
Freedom is knowing. Knowing that you're alright
Leaving these bastard causes - talents to form identities by
Leave it behind in the bed you left this morning. The bed you will return to. Rest your head.

postcards from paradise falls

Dear Universe please send the following, and thank you for those things you've already made happen for me:

- Job at the film school
- A band to sing with
- A great apartment
- A cool road bike to get around on
- Enough free time to make/ write films
- The courage to be free with my own expression
- Love. I know, this one is tricky here. You might have to wait until I move to Europe. Send me a true romantic. Send me spontaneous. Send me adventure. Send me creativity and art and music. Send me an open minded passionate dreamer who can really see me and really wants me. Simillar to the last time but unattached. Please and thanks!

mobile blog.
Wound up in Vanc for another night. Bad sushi bank card mishap. Safe to say I felt like an idiot but shouldn't have. It was not a choice. It was just a mishap. Strange night. Rollercoaster ride.
Now up. Early this morning.
Driving over the lions gate. Sun almost up on a crazy beautiful day.
Pause to look up. Pause to be quiet and happy.
So thankful to be alive and well ...ready to take on the next step.
Closer to knowing what I want simply from getting stuck here.
But allowing myself to be content. This is where I am. This is where I should be.
I will be very easy on myself today.