Life as it comes. As days go by.

I watched tiny beer bubbles collect at the bottom of my glass and remained focused on them until I felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was hiding in my beer mug. I've never bee n a fan of Friday nights and what they are supposed to be. Mine never are. I couldn't care less.

I'm finally up early today. 7:30am.
I've been sleeping in until noon with every intention to wake up at 8... and then this sudden, overwhelming loss of the will to live once my alarm sounds.
I'm okay I think.

I've got to say, I miss my best friend a little. She seems to have become "in love" over the past half-a-year. And I caught a peek at her new life and fell in love with it too. So it must be alright.
Come to think of it, everyone seems to be falling in love all around me. Its almost as vivid as if I'm standing alone in a stadium of pairs. Its okay with me.

I really miss someone anyway so I'm stuck in the middle - stuck in that memory.
I cried about it last night- maybe thats why I'm up early. It all just breaks my heart and I've exhausted the subject so I've just stopped thinking its worth thinking about.

But there is a constant goodbye I dream of.
And it feels like Robert Frost's letters to Sabra Peabody -
"I like you because I can't help myself. And when I get mad at you, I feel mad at me too."

But instead I say -
I love you because I can't help myself. And when I'm missing you, I feel I'm missing me too.

I wish there were better words to explain this feeling.
The words I have are so easily shot at by everyone around me.
By those who tip-toe into love because it's scary - and warn of letting go and moving on as if it will heal you.
Its true its frightening to be wounded. But the wounds are reminders in plain view. You had something once - that meant nothing and everything to you. And thats life.